Hitler wrote in his book Mein Kampf, “I am convinced that I am acting as the agent of our Creator. By fighting off the Jews, I am doing the Lord’s work.” The atrocities of the Holocaust were committed in God’s name. These words are chilling for me.

Hitler was no less convinced that he was doing God’s work than I am.

The Christian life requires that we do all “as unto God.” As I rise, work, play, and rest, my efforts are for Christ. Lately, as I consider my next steps, I feel as though I have lost the trail. I wonder if my inspired efforts were actually uninspired. I fear that I was as convinced as Hitler. I fear more that I am as lost.

I find comfort in knowing that God is able to accomplish His will without me. Should I fall, should I drop out of His will, another will rise to speak the words that should have been spoken. God needs no “agent” to establish history.

Certainly, as my husband reminds me, it will all work out. Certainly, the earth will remain on its axis, as long as God holds it there. My concern is for myself. My needs are less than a blip on the radar, I fear. I find myself in a forest, surrounded by trees I am sure I have passed before, turning round and round, wondering if I made a mistake. I sacrificed; was it for nothing? I hunger; will I be fed? I was convinced; am I lost? As I write these words, the song, Lost, by Coldplay comes to mind. I just got lost, I pray. Every river that I’ve tried to cross, and every door I ever tried was locked.

I think of the naysayers along the way- the ones who told me I was too young to know better. I think of the ones who told me I lack what it takes. I think of the ones who blinked at my conviction, embarrassed of my ardor. You might be a big fish in a little pond. Doesn’t mean you’ve won. I want to beat on every door, hoping God will throw one open for me. I know He will throw a door open for me.

I battle the lie that I can be lost and abandoned by God. God spoke through Moses to His people, the Israelites, “He will not fail you or forsake you.” It is through the Israeli tribe of Judah that the Messiah came, my Christ, my claim to the inheritance. I stand with the Church, the Mystery, the Chosen. “The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you.” (Deuteronomy 31, Joshua 1, 1 Chronicles 28)

I battle the lie that I have no claim to these promises. I am no house servant, no afterthought, no barnacle clutching the promise by my own will. No, the promised land, the abundant life, the redemption is for me, for I cry out to my Father as an adopted daughter, “Abba!” I was once of the people who walked in darkness, but I am illuminated by a great light, the light of Christ. These promises are mine. (Romans 8, Isaiah 9, Ephesians 5)

I battle the lie that my difficult circumstances are a punishment for losing the trail, an unfortunate but necessary means to shame me back onto the path. No, my God is good and He has good plans for me, even if I lose the trail. My Messiah, my Jesus, who never lost His way, endured such hardship and heartache; He sweat blood. I identify myself with His cross. What He claims, I claim, both blessing and curse. And because of this, I am granted the kingdom. I will eat and drink at His table. Though I identify myself with the Cross and am faced with trials, I will see God. (Luke 22, James 1, Job 19)

I battle these lies, the whispers of the Enemy, and so I am convinced. Not as Hitler was convinced in evil that he was an agent of God. No, I am convinced that though I may lose my way, my path will be illuminated, and Christ will be victorious. I am convinced that God has a plan for the world, and as His daughter, I will be victorious with Him. I am convinced that His work does not need doing; His work is done! Hallelujah!

Just because I’m losing doesn’t mean I’ve lost. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop. Just because I’m hurting doesn’t mean I’m hurt. Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserve. I want to fight. And I want to win, or I will die fighting.



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