A few years ago, a segment of less than 3 months happened, and set itself like a dent in the timeline. And I stored it in the back of my head, as a time left uncategorized regarding God’s presence. It was a time of betrayal, a time of fear, a time of threat. And when it was over, I walked away from it, sometimes joking about it, but never finding peace about it. And if I ever tried to pray about it, words would not come, and I would set my jaw and stare straight ahead. Eventually I stopped trying to pray about it, and concentrated on my overabundant blessings.
A great deal has happened since then. I met some beautiful life-long friends, I got married, I found a church, I wrote and edited, I started my own business, and recently learned we’re expecting a baby. My life is full, brimming with goodness. Yet my heart has begun to bleed over the old dent. I keep re-sticking the band-aid that’s lost its stick, over the tiny little wound that housed an infectious lie…
God is not good.
My efforts to restick the expired band-aid are prevented, as my Father has come down to gently peel it away. I wish I were a delightful daughter, the kind who unguardedly lets her Father love her, but I am hurt and delightful is not where I’m at. I stiffen in His arms and want to know why. He doesn’t tell me.
Instead, He has turned my attention to a handful of precious women, His daughters. They talk to God like He hears them. They close their eyes and open their hearts to Him, as though He were protecting their vulnerability. They mention their cares to him as though they were sure He were concerned. They ask Him to oversee their relationships, their careers, their car troubles, the color of the nursery drapes. I want what I witness, and as these women’s prayer habits are as varied as can be, I know that what I want is not a change in habit but in heart.
What a beautiful feminine heart that is broken for the brokenhearted, honest about her desires, vulnerable to her Maker, easily loves, and easily accepts love. This is the heart I will have as my Father clears my little wound of dangerous lies. This is the heart I want.