As a follow-up to yesterday’s serious and contemplative post on motherhood, I would like to list just a few things I plan not to do as a mother. These are things I have heard of mothers doing… like… they’re real. So if you’re the mom who peels her child’s grapes, don’t be insulted. I’m just funnin.
Unless it’s so that they’ll make more realistic eyeballs at a Halloween party, I will not peel grapes to prevent choking. No. The child will chew the grapes, and if they fail to chew, and said peel makes it down the wrong pipe, I will perform the Heimlich.
Also, regarding food, I believe in fast food cheeseburgers. Wholeheartedly. I also believe in birthday cake, hot dogs, and cheerios that fell on a semi-clean floor. I will not prevent my child from eating such non-organic, processed, and preservative-laden foods. Because being the only kid at a birthday party who has to eat the sprouted grain, gluten-free cake Mom sent with him is the kind of thing that lands kids in therapy. And that stuff tastes good.
Germs build character, and so does learning to sit in hard chairs in boring settings. Uncomfortable chairs in boring settings are gonna be happening to you all your life, kiddo. How ’bout I give you a head start lesson on how to cope? Sit down, stop chewing on the nylon strap while I’m watching, and enjoy the ride.
Unless Dad finally gets to buy a Lotus and Mommy is allotted $600 a month for a haircut, Baby, you are sleeping on a sensible big-kid bed.
The first time I went into Babies R Us, I was floored at the sheer magnitude of the store. It was huge and it was full of STUFF STUFF STUFF. The reality is that most kids have more fun with a cardboard box and a bed sheet than with an over-priced fire engine bed. I could continue with my list of STUFF I will not buy, but I will summarize by saying that the money spent on STUFF Baby does not have the capacity to appreciate would be better spent on a babysitter and dinner out for Mom and Dad. After all, we do have sanity to rebuild after a trip to the grocery store with a cart-chewing baby
I am a firm believer in strong immune systems. I am also a firm believer in there-are-more-important-things-to-do-than-disinfect-everything. Besides, bleach smells gross and makes me feel sicker than any germ every did. Natural disinfectants (the kind our great-great grandmothers used-vinegar and lavender) smell better and only kill about 75% of germs. Bring on the monster immune system.
I will not miss out on the good stuff because I’m too busy shopping for STUFF, disinfecting, worrying, or writing a blog. I’m told they grow up fast.