Things I plan not to do…

As a follow-up to yesterday’s serious and contemplative post on motherhood, I would like to list just a few things I plan not to do as a mother. These are things I have heard of mothers doing… like… they’re real. So if you’re the mom who peels her child’s grapes, don’t be insulted. I’m just funnin.

I will not peel grapes.

Unless it’s so that they’ll make more realistic eyeballs at a Halloween party, I will not peel grapes to prevent choking. No. The child will chew the grapes, and if they fail to chew, and said peel makes it down the wrong pipe, I will perform the Heimlich.

Also, regarding food, I believe in fast food cheeseburgers. Wholeheartedly. I also believe in birthday cake, hot dogs, and cheerios that fell on a semi-clean floor. I will not prevent my child from eating such non-organic, processed, and preservative-laden foods. Because being the only kid at a birthday party who has to eat the sprouted grain, gluten-free cake Mom sent with him is the kind of thing that lands kids in therapy. And that stuff tastes good.

I will not use a shopping cart liner.

Germs build character, and so does learning to sit in hard chairs in boring settings. Uncomfortable chairs in boring settings are gonna be happening to you all your life, kiddo. How ’bout I give you a head start lesson on how to cope? Sit down, stop chewing on the nylon strap while I’m watching, and enjoy the ride.

I will not buy a fire engine toddler bed.

Unless Dad finally gets to buy a Lotus and Mommy is allotted $600 a month for a haircut, Baby, you are sleeping on a sensible big-kid bed.

The first time I went into Babies R Us, I was floored at the sheer magnitude of the store. It was huge and it was full of STUFF STUFF STUFF. The reality is that most kids have more fun with a cardboard box and a bed sheet than with an over-priced fire engine bed. I could continue with my list of STUFF I will not buy, but I will summarize by saying that the money spent on STUFF Baby does not have the capacity to appreciate would be better spent on a babysitter and dinner out for Mom and Dad. After all, we do have sanity to rebuild after a trip to the grocery store with a cart-chewing baby

I will not disinfect everything.

I am a firm believer in strong immune systems. I am also a firm believer in there-are-more-important-things-to-do-than-disinfect-everything. Besides, bleach smells gross and makes me feel sicker than any germ every did. Natural disinfectants (the kind our great-great grandmothers used-vinegar and lavender) smell better and only kill about 75% of germs. Bring on the monster immune system.

Lastly, I will enjoy motherhood.

I will not miss out on the good stuff because I’m too busy shopping for STUFF, disinfecting, worrying, or writing a blog. I’m told they grow up fast.


3 thoughts on “Things I plan not to do…

  1. Eating off the floor is Biblical…it is called gleaning! Anti-bacteria stuff not only kills the bad bacteria but the good too. As moms we need to do what we feel is best for our children. What I did find is what we did with the first ones we don’t do with the younger ones. When Mandy was a baby we never gave her sugared cereal….Jason has eaten peach cobbler for breakfast..with ice cream of course. They are both still alive!
    You two are going to do great. They do go fast and when they are older the 3 am feedings will be missed.

  2. Now, don’t think I am a germ a phobic….I am FAR from this. Yet, I broke down and bought a seat cover for the carts with child number 5…. seriously, have you had to deal with 5 children and 2 parents catching every germ that is on that cart handle?? UGH… and the time it takes to run its course through the entire family, only to make another trip to the store, and pick up yet another bug germ (possibly this time the throwing up kind) after just getting over the last one. I’d rather go visit a friend who is sick and pick up their germs 🙂 Just a thought to consider… it took 4 children for me to realize how valuable this awful embarrassing piece of fabric is. Nothing like sticking out at WalMart!!

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