Random thoughts from The Duck

I’m up in the middle of the night with heartburn. Until this week, this pregnancy has been relatively comfortable. No morning sickness. Slept through the night. Could even wear some non-maternity clothes with a bella band. Now, I suddenly have to be surrounded by pillows (a nightly stacking ritual Steven calls “building Megan’s pillow wedge”) and helllllo heartburn. And am I suddenly waddling? I was lamenting to Steven the other day that I used to have the body of a swan. Now I’m a duck complete with waddle!

All for love of Sam! And he is so easy to love.

I’ve anticipated this point with both excitement and dread. I look obviously pregnant now, which invites the question from total strangers, “When are you due?” April, I answer, A spring baby! “Is it a boy or a girl?” A boy. “Are you excited?” is the inevitable next question. Yes, I answer. Because I am. But I don’t mention I also feel an intense dread that grows with every day that passes. Part of me hopes that when Sam is born, we will be shocked at how healthy he is, that the doctors will shake their heads in surprise at how very wrong they were. But the other part fears that it may be the saddest day of my life, the day Sam has to leave his safe little house and sever the life support.

Those short conversations with random strangers in the grocery store are pretty easy to navigate as they don’t last long. Can I confess something ridiculous? It’s my blog. I’ll confess it. I have avoided getting a haircut because I don’t want to have a conversation with a stranger about my pregnancy that lasts for more than a few seconds, and from which I cannot quickly escape. I am afraid I will be caught covered in shampoo suds and start to cry. Tears are my valve, and I find myself so often needing relief these days.

There was a day this week in which I considered both the color of crib bedding and a burial site for Sam. Can emotions rip in  half? Because I had no idea they could stretch so far in either direction in such a short span of time. I’ve heard of women in situations like this, shopping for treasure chest caskets at 8 months pregnant. Steven and I have decided not to consider every detail regarding death for now. So I won’t be shopping for caskets just yet. It’s more than I can handle right now. However, we do have some loose details set in place, and are considering a burial site, which is hard to fathom in contrast to my growing belly and the growing pile of stuffed animals Sam has accrued. Steven refers to the pile as “Sam’s entourage”.

Some days I’m grateful we have time to prepare keepsakes, have a photographer ready, cherish the moments. Other days, I’m just plain furious, and, if I’m honest, jealous. I’m in my 20s, and all my girlfriends are having healthy babies and complaining about 3 AM feedings and considering the merits of attachment vs. babywise parenting. I’m just hoping I have the chance to raise my baby, even for a short time, and the last thing on my mind is the merits of different styles of parenting. If I’m honest, I envy them, wish I were in their place. The feeling lasts as long as I let it, and then I make myself think about Sam, and how much I want him, just the way he is, even if it means I can’t be like everyone else. And in the moments I choose to think about my life as mine, and realize that it’s not my girlfriends’ healthy babies that I want but my Sam and everything he entails, that ugly envy melts away and I am allowed to grieve in purity rather than bitterness. I grieve the loss of a joyful pregnancy. I grieve the loss of a happily anticipated due date. I grieve the loss of the child I thought I would have. I celebrate the life of a little boy named Sam, who has turned my life upside down, and I’m so happy he came into my life, even if his beautiful existence means a whole lot of grief mixed in with the joy.


6 thoughts on “Random thoughts from The Duck

  1. There is a holiness to each line you write. Holiness has an echo that I long to never stop hearing, though I have to learn how to better quiet all else. Thank you for writing from the wrestling of the night. Thank you for believing that you are not alone.
    Thank you for letting us come to know Sam.

  2. Hey Megan – This is Natalie (um, jcjorgen2001 I believe!) from the yahoo group site. Thought I’d check out your blog you posted and wow girl – it’s great to see your openness and therapeutic to read so many thoughts/feelings that I’m going through as well. I’ve thought about doing a blog but haven’t quite had the confidence push for it. But great to see you doing it! I read your post on public conversations, and had to share with you that I actually avoided not even my own haircut, but going with my mom for hers b/c I didn’t want the woman to ask too many questions while I waited 🙂

    Take care and thanks for blogging, Natalie

  3. Hi Megan,
    I saw your post on the Living with Trisomy 13 message board and I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I will be praying for you. We have been where you are now just a few months ago, so I can easily relate to your thoughts and feelings you express through your posts. I have written about the very same things on our blog, http://jonathansbabyjournal.blogspot.com. Come visit if you get the chance. I am here for you if you need anything. 🙂
    Love in Christ,

  4. Hi Megan,
    I just tried to post a comment…not sure if it went through, so here’s basically what I said:

    I saw your posts on the Living with Trisomy 13 message boards and I just wanted to stop by and let you know I will be praying for you. We were where you are now with our son Jonathan just a few months ago, so I can easily relate to the thoughts and feelings you express through your blog posts. I have written about a lot of the same things http://jonathansbabyjournal.blogspot.com. Come visit if you get the chance. I’m here if you need anything. 🙂
    With love in Christ,

  5. Megan-

    Been thinking and praying for you often this weekend. Praying that the Doctors are wrong like they were with Sara, praying that God will give you the strength for whatever He has in store for you and Steven. I have a friend that has buried 3 of her 5 babies (she has 2 beautiful kids) and I know God’s grace is sufficient even though it has been a difficult journey.

    Wish I had words that would magically make things OK, I don’t. You’re in my prayers.

  6. Megan & Sam,

    Just wanted to tell you how much you’re bravery means to me. I know it helps you to write, but it helps us so much also, we feel like we are getting to know Sam a little through these entries. God truely has His hand on you and your little family. We pray for His strength and hope in the good days and the bad. Please give our love to Sam and his Dad.

    We love you all.

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