After we learned that our baby boy would not be with us for long, I banned myself from Google for a few days. I needed to soak in my grief. When I finally came back to my computer, I was too overwhelmed to read all the emails, and I went on a quest to find… something. I knew there was no cure for what Sam had, but I needed to know how to walk the path before me. I looked for stories, and I found the story of Thomas.
When I watched this video the first time, I wept. I feared I couldn’t walk the path ahead of me. I feared I didn’t have the courage. I feared I didn’t have the strength. But what I saw was beautiful, and I knew I could do life moment by moment, as long as I carried Sam. I took life breath by breath, meal by meal, minute by minute, and as I watched the video again this afternoon, I realized that somehow I had acquired the bravery and strength I didn’t know I had.
I am having a good day today, and I am reveling in it for all it’s worth. My grief may be dark tomorrow, so I take this as rest for my weary heart. Two people told me that the sky was blue for me today, and I think they might be right.
I thought of a little girl I knew who, when presented with a bowl of strawberry marshmallow fluff, thought her mother had made it pink just for her. Everyone laughed, and she blushed, but her mother assured her that the strawberry marshmallow fluff was indeed pink, just for her. Nevermind that the strawberries, not her mother’s intent, had been the source of the fluff’s color. This is the heart of a child, the one pulled happily into Jesus’ lap–all the pink fluff in the world was made pink just for her. And today, the sky is blue just for me.
The sky is blue, and I am realizing that I’ve been part of something big. Sometimes I wonder if God took a look at the Grand Master Plan and said, “This one–the one with the mess of brown curls and her heart on her sleeve–she’d be the perfect mother for Samuel.” I walked a path I never would have chosen, by putting one foot in front of the other every day of Sam’s life. This wellspring of courage… where will it take me next?