Today

I miss Samuel today. I tried to memorize his smell the day he was born. Some days I can remember it. Some days I can’t. Today, my belly is still. No kicking. No dancing. No sweet baby boy to keep me company. I miss Samuel today.

His professional pictures came in the mail today. I needed to see these. I needed to remember his fingers. His size. His little mouth and cleft palate. I needed to remember his feet. I needed to remember how I held him. I needed to remember how Steven looked at him, how we cried and smiled at the same time.

I wish I could remember his smell today. I’m glad I can remember what he looked like. I wonder if he will remember me. Sometimes I’m afraid he won’t. He never saw me. I saw him, but he never saw me.

I hurt today.

The birds are singing outside, and it feels like spring is mocking me. My heart is still lost in winter, behind a cold glass in a quiet house where Sam is absent. It feels like I’ve been banished from the land of blessing. God, please remember us. We hurt.

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3 thoughts on “Today

  1. Praying for strength today Megan.
    I believe with all my heart that Sam will know you and Steven both. Will remember you for always.
    Love you both.

  2. I KNOW Sam will know you! Babies know their mommies by sound not by sight! Someday he will hear your voice in heaven and go running to you and you will have NO doubt that he knows you!

  3. I just came across your blog from our blog. It looks like we lost our babies close together. I am so sorry for your loss. The day our Whitney was born, I was just getting over a terrible cold so I couldn’t smell anything. 😦 I still have no idea how she smelled and that makes me so sad. Thanks for sharing on your blog.

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