Other babies

I’m up in the middle of the night, wide awake and writing. Because that’s what I do. I write and write and write. The last time I was up writing this late, I was pregnant. This time, I haven’t the excuse of heartburn. I’m just awake with too many thoughts. I wish I were up with pregnancy heartburn instead of too many thoughts.

Being around babies is still tough, but sometimes I’m OK. I mean, I’d have to be OK sometimes. Babies are EVERYWHERE. Tonight, while I was in line at the grocery store, I was waiting behind a baby girl who had unbreakable eye contact. I surprised myself when I made a goofy face for her. I didn’t know I was doing it until she started laughing. It felt like relief, but it also felt very unnatural to be making faces at someone else’s baby instead of my own. These empty arms are so unnatural.

I do have a hard time hearing parents complain about having to parent. I would set myself on fire to be up at 3 AM for a feeding or change a diaper. Hearing babies cry evokes tears. Seeing mothers get to rock their babies makes me long for Sam. And I cannot resent mothers for loving their children. It’s what I longed to do for Sam. In a way, seeing parents love their children sweetens my sorrow. But hearing complaining brings out this violent sorrow in me, especially when I hear it from parents who know my situation. It’s an insensitivity I can barely forgive.


5 thoughts on “Other babies

  1. ((Megan)) I can’t say I understand, because I only know a tiny, tiny sliver of your pain.
    But I do have that sliver that I can relate to. I lost a baby early on between Grace and Matthew. There were babies and mothers that were easier for me to be around than others. It did seem as babies and pregnant women were everywhere then as well. ((hugs))

  2. Hi Megan,

    I hope you don’t mind me commenting when you dont’ even know me. I found your blog through Jen’s blog “Lydia Eileen.” My litte boy has the same genetic disorder as Jen’s little girl, but he is “milder.”

    I have no words of comfort for you, you would already know all of them anyway. So, I hope you don’t mind if I share from my own life… I know it won’t ease you in your pain, I am being selfish. It will make me feel better to share it with you, because I think you will understand.

    When Joel was about 8 months old, we started trying to get back to going to church. It was terribly painful, to sit in the baby room with him. The first Sunday there was a chubby little girl that was about the same age as Joel. She was standing on big strong legs and laughing and smiling.

    I sat in my corner with Joel, who was fussing and almost unconsolable, as he was so often in the first year. His legs were matchsticks and at 18 months, he still can not hold up his head… I sat there the whole time just struggling to hold back the tears, and fighting a losing battle. It was a kind of torture.

    Now, a year later, healthy children no longer dissolve me into tears… but…pain takes time, lots of time…

    I know I am very lucky to have Joel for this long, and I am very grateful for every happy day we have. Reading your blog makes me cry, but I also love your courage and your hope in Christ too. It encourages me, even when I cry, because one day I too will lose Joel. Thank you for sharing this.

    A sister in Christ,
    Karen Smith

    • Karen, I love that you commented. I actually found some comfort in reading through your blog last night before I wrote this entry–I’m not sure how stumbled up on it. Loss is loss, whether unto death like mine is, or is a loss of health as with your precious baby Joel. Your quest to trust the Lord through your journey is an encouragement to me as well. I hope I can continue to be an encouragement to you as you anticipate letting Joel go. My heart is with you. –Megan

  3. Hey megan. I have to admit to you that I’ve been completly unsure of what to say to you so I’ve ended up avoiding saying anything in an attempt not to hurt you further. With us being pregnant at the same time, I guess I feel kinda guilty that you’re going through this and I never have. I know that’s probably a little self centered, but I just don’t know what to say to help you. I do want you to know that I’m very impressed with your attitude and everything through all that you’ve gone through. I can honestly say that there is no way I could handle such a situation with as much grace as you have and are. You really have been an inspiration to me. If you need anything, please, let me know

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