It’s time to hide

Readers, what a blessing you have been to me. You  have prayed for our little family, and I kept you updated through this blog so that you would know how to pray. I kept my blog public so that Sam would have an army praying for him. And he did. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am writing this post to let you know that a new season has begun for me. I wear a beautiful pendant in Sam’s memory that reminds me of the resurrection–a butterfly. It has become a reminder not only of the redemption Samuel will know, but the redemption I will know too. His story is not over, and neither is mine! I am undergoing a metamorphosis through this grief, and I am confident that He who began this work will see that I emerge as a butterfly.

However, I need to be hidden from sight for now. I need to hide in a safe cocoon in order to grow healthy in this season.

In a few days, this blog will become private. My plan is to keep writing while I’m in this season, and when it is time, I will reopen it to the public, in the hope that my transparency will be a gift to others. At this time, though, my transparency invites too much scrutiny, and my tender heart cannot process all of the well-meaning input. Please know that every communication I have received regarding this loss has been sweet and loving in its intention–in other words, if you wrote or commented, don’t be concerned you said something wrong. You all want to see me happy, and I am so grateful that so many want the best for me. I am just not in a place to receive much more than empathetic tears and your heartfelt prayers. I am weak, and that is good.

I also want you to know that by (temporarily) shutting down access to this blog, I am not shutting down access to relationship. On the contrary, I need you to approach and ask me to coffee. I need you to let me know you were thinking of me. I need my friends to tell me about their own lives and prayer requests and triumphs. I need relationship in this time… just not the kind that is satisfied to simply know me through my blog. I need eye contact and time spent in silence and words of wisdom from you–this message is especially directed toward our church. You’ve been such a support for us. I need you.

What an honor it has been to share my heart with so many. And what a joy it will be to tell you what the inside of a cocoon looks like when I emerge again. Thank you for being Sam’s prayer warriors, and I’d be grateful if you would be mine while I grow in hiddenness.

Signing off for now,
Megan

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10 thoughts on “It’s time to hide

  1. Megan,
    I have been following your blog and praying for you. I 100% respect this decision. I will continue to pray for you. I pray that you will be surrounded by friends and meaningful relationships that will nurture your heart. I pray for healing and for strength. Your words have helped my heart in its road to healing.

    Thinking of you and Sam,
    Bethany Good

    • So good to hear that you’ve been blessed by my words in your own journey, Bethany. It was my hope, and will continue to be my hope, as I write. God bless you in this season of contrast between the joy of Campbell and Parker’s birth and the sorrow of the loss of Parker (that’s right—I was following your blog too :))

  2. Megan,

    I’ll look forward to when you are ready to come out of the cocoon.

    I just wanted to let you know that I very much WISH that I could be there “face to face,” to sit quietly and not say anything and just grieve with you. I wish I could come over and give you a hug…

    I do feel bad, thinking you might think I was doing anything like “scrutinizing” or just reading your blog out of curiosity.

    You know one day I too will lose my own sweet baby, and it is for that reason I feel connected to you. But I DO respect your need to be with actual people, and have electronic “peace and quiet.”

    So read my blog if you feel up to it, and email me if you ever feel like it. I’d love to hear from you. And I will be just waiting here to see who emerges from the cocoon.

    Go with God, sister,
    love,
    Karen

    • Never felt that way about you, sweet Karen.

      Thanks for waiting and praying for me. And I will absolutely be following your blog–I check it every day. 🙂

  3. Just wanted you to know as you sign off for now, you are in my prayers daily. It is like I read your heart through your words. I can feel your pain, your confusion, and your joy. You are an amazing writer and even though I don’t really “know” you, you seem to be an amazing woman. I am so glad you and Steven have eachother through this difficult time.

  4. Megan, I’ve been grateful that you could share yourself through this blog, but this time had to come. You and Steven have amazed me in your love for each other, and your strength….

    You are both always in our hearts and prayers. May God fold you gently inside His arms and hold you safe. You are an extremely talented writer, and amazing woman, be blessed.

  5. Megan,

    Your words and your journey have blessed me so much. Please know that you’ll be lifted before the Throne daily by someone in New Jersey. Praying God will strengthen you with peace and comfort!

    A sister in Christ,
    Megan 🙂

  6. Dear Megan,

    As I’ve walked quietly in this journey with you, mostly in reading and in praying, in knowing of you, in seeing you at church, in simply wanting to be a presence of prayer and quietness in your story to lend support, I have been blessed.

    And as I’ve shared your story with others, they too have been blessed and stretched and given grace to be, and to grieve their own pains and losses because of your great bravery and leaning into God.

    I was wondering if you might give me permission, before you take your blog to the space of cocooning and silence and healing (which I deeply support and applaud your bravery in doing), to copy a few of your posts to share with others in their own journey. As I walk beside and guide others, I would love to offer your words as another authentic lover-of-God’s journey through the valley.

    I completely understand if you would rather keep your whole story private and absolutely respect if this is not the time or season to be sharing.

    I wanted to ask, though, because you have graced my life and heart deeply in this time.

    Your sister in Christ,
    Tara

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