Readers, what a blessing you have been to me. You have prayed for our little family, and I kept you updated through this blog so that you would know how to pray. I kept my blog public so that Sam would have an army praying for him. And he did. Thank you thank you thank you.
I am writing this post to let you know that a new season has begun for me. I wear a beautiful pendant in Sam’s memory that reminds me of the resurrection–a butterfly. It has become a reminder not only of the redemption Samuel will know, but the redemption I will know too. His story is not over, and neither is mine! I am undergoing a metamorphosis through this grief, and I am confident that He who began this work will see that I emerge as a butterfly.
However, I need to be hidden from sight for now. I need to hide in a safe cocoon in order to grow healthy in this season.
In a few days, this blog will become private. My plan is to keep writing while I’m in this season, and when it is time, I will reopen it to the public, in the hope that my transparency will be a gift to others. At this time, though, my transparency invites too much scrutiny, and my tender heart cannot process all of the well-meaning input. Please know that every communication I have received regarding this loss has been sweet and loving in its intention–in other words, if you wrote or commented, don’t be concerned you said something wrong. You all want to see me happy, and I am so grateful that so many want the best for me. I am just not in a place to receive much more than empathetic tears and your heartfelt prayers. I am weak, and that is good.
I also want you to know that by (temporarily) shutting down access to this blog, I am not shutting down access to relationship. On the contrary, I need you to approach and ask me to coffee. I need you to let me know you were thinking of me. I need my friends to tell me about their own lives and prayer requests and triumphs. I need relationship in this time… just not the kind that is satisfied to simply know me through my blog. I need eye contact and time spent in silence and words of wisdom from you–this message is especially directed toward our church. You’ve been such a support for us. I need you.
What an honor it has been to share my heart with so many. And what a joy it will be to tell you what the inside of a cocoon looks like when I emerge again. Thank you for being Sam’s prayer warriors, and I’d be grateful if you would be mine while I grow in hiddenness.
Signing off for now,