Enough for now

Following a reflection on election, the hardening of the hearts of Israel, and God’s mercy, Paul concludes Romans 11 with the question, “Who is God?” and the answer, “I don’t know.”

33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34“Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”
35“Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?”
36For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

I contemplate my daily steps along this path, my unique path, and I don’t understand any of it. So much is promised, but I see none of it. I know it in my heart, stamped permanently as truth, but none of it can be grasped. Who is God to mark such a path for me? Why such pain? Why such blessing? Why are my arms empty? Why do I have a roof over my head? Why am I in the desert? Why was I spared?

I don’t know.

I have learned that God’s love for me is complete, not linear. He doesn’t just give me a healthy baby. He makes my baby whole. He makes me whole. He accomplishes healing in me in places I didn’t realize were wounded. He works from the inside out, knitting together the sliced parts of my soul, reinforcing truth, not just giving me what I want, but first giving me the ability to recognize and receive good things. Some day, when I hold Sam again, there will be a completion. I will see His faithfulness.

I ache in declaring these things about God, because I am still waiting. Steven says we are suspended in mid-air right now. We are contemplating the next steps. We are thinking about jobs, moving, school, hopes for another baby. We don’t know what there is for us. We don’t know if there will be another baby for us. We don’t know if He has blessing for us. We don’t know much at all. I have a difficult time talking about God’s love for me. I can’t feel it. I don’t see it. But I talk about His love anyway, because for all the things I don’t know, it’s the one thing I do know.

I am dwelling on Psalm 16 today. “You are my Lord. I have no good besides You.”


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