I am listening to the song, Be Near, by Shane and Shane. The song is based on Psalm 73:28 and 139, Scriptures that have bolstered my heart in this journey. How vast the number of thoughts God had toward Samuel. How gentle they were. I claimed these for Sam so readily. I struggle to claim these things for myself, and I always have, but I must for they are truth. How numerous, how gentle are the thoughts God has toward me.
My heart went into my throat in the moment I claimed this truth, as I typed the words with a new confidence. If Sam had never come along, I never would have claimed this truth for myself as I never would have had opportunity to claim it for him. He was conceived in so humble a body and could do so little for himself or others in his limitations, yet as a mother my thoughts rarely strayed from him. Never did God’s thoughts stray from Samuel. Never will they stray from me. The nearness of God is my good. This path, this loss, this trauma are encompassed in God’s sovereignty. No event was beyond His thoughts. He was fully sovereign over these things. His ways are not my ways, yet the nearness of God is my good. I am rendered as emotionally helpless as my son was physically helpless. My anger rages. Tears flow so readily. I have so little to offer to anyone, and I certainly have nothing to offer God. As the Psalmist writes in Psalm 73:21-22, “When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You.” Praise for my Creator does not come easily, yet He is near says verse 23, “Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.” His thoughts toward me never cease, and are always for my good. In Morning and Evening, Charles Spurgeon reflected on Psalm 139:17:
Divine omniscience affords no comfort to the ungodly mind, but to the child of God it overflows with consolation. God is always thinking upon us, never turns aside his mind from us, has us always before his eyes; and this is precisely as we would have it, for it would be dreadful to exist for a moment beyond the observation of our heavenly Father. His thoughts are always tender, loving, wise, prudent, far-reaching, and they bring to us countless benefits: hence it is a choice delight to remember them. The Lord always did think upon his people: hence their election and the covenant of grace by which their salvation is secured; he always will think upon them: hence their final perseverance by which they shall be brought safely to their final rest. In all our wanderings the watchful glance of the Eternal Watcher is evermore fixed upon us-we never roam beyond the Shepherd’s eye. In our sorrows he observes us incessantly, and not a pang escapes him; in our toils he marks all our weariness, and writes in his book all the struggles of his faithful ones. These thoughts of the Lord encompass us in all our paths, and penetrate the innermost region of our being. Not a nerve or tissue, valve or vessel, of our bodily organization is uncared for; all the littles of our little world are thought upon by the great God.
Dear reader, is this precious to you? then hold to it. Never be led astray by those philosophic fools who preach up an impersonal God, and talk of self-existent, self-governing matter. The Lord liveth and thinketh upon us, this is a truth far too precious for us to be lightly robbed of it. The notice of a nobleman is valued so highly that he who has it counts his fortune made; but what is it to be thought of by the King of kings! If the Lord thinketh upon us, all is well, and we may rejoice evermore.
Be near to me, Lord. You have taken my son to be with You, and I am undone. Your ways are beyond my ways, and You are too big to fathom. The days You have ordained for me have taken me down a path I never would have chosen, and I hurt. I cannot find a worldly comfort in You, yet I find refuge. Your nearness is my good.