Dear Samuel,

Six months ago today was your birthday. Even though I was sad to not be carrying you anymore, I was so happy to get to see your little face. Today, I am happy and sad at the same time.

It is the end of a season and the beginning of another. Daddy is starting school. We finished our grief support group last night. No more doctor’s visits after tomorrow. And nights are getting cooler. Fall is coming. If you were here, I would have all kinds of warm beanies and little jackets and blankets so we could go for walks together when it really gets cool. But you’re not here.

Sometimes I imagine heaven. Daddy and I talked about heaven when we ate lunch together this afternoon. We wondered what kinds of smells, colors, sounds are in heaven. Can we fly in heaven? Can we run faster? My knee has been bothering me for a couple of weeks and it’s slowly starting to heal, and I’ve often wondered what it will be like to not have a bum knee or crooked back or sore muscles. I wondered if the brokenness of our bodies would be even more apparent after we’re healed in heaven. Like when you don’t realize how sick you felt until after you’re better. I’m glad you’re healed, Baby Boy. I want you to be in heaven, but I miss you.

It’s hard for me to imagine what you look like. Are you just a little soul? Or do you have some sort of a temporary body with fat rolls and pudgy toes? I hear babies laugh, and I wonder what your laugh might sound like. Do you have a crib in heaven? Do you have a favorite blanket? Do angels hold you?

I try not to keep track of what you would have been doing if you were here, as though we’ve embarked on some alternate timeline because of a mistake. I try not to wonder what you would have been doing, and I try to think about what you are doing, but sometimes I do wonder about what you would have been like at six months. And then I’m sad because it isn’t so, but I’m glad because what is so for you is heaven. Sad and happy at the same time.

Happy six month birthday, Baby boy! I will love you forever.

Mama

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3 thoughts on “Dear Samuel,

  1. i stumbled on you story and blog today. This saturday, my wife, 2 y/o daughter and i will celebrate our youngest daughter’s, Elle’s, 2 month birthday. she was work 6/21/10 with partial tetrasomy 13. so she has 4 copies of chromosome 13. the literature on has 14 other cases of it happening before and we do not not her prognosis except that she is perfect to us and that we cherish everyday with her. God bless you and you family.

    John 9:1-9

  2. Megan, (and Steven), i thought about you often yesterday. I too, have thought about heaven. Is there a special place for all the lost babies? Are Sam and Eden and our little one playing together? I like to think so. I like to think of perfect children sitting on Jesus’ lap, running through gorgeous meadows. The pain remains for those left behind, and i dont think it will ever completely go away, but His grace is sufficient, and you two are daily (several times a day even) being lifted in prayer. I pray He guards your hearts and that you will continue to see His beauty. Sams life was beautiful. He touched so many and continues to do so. I love you guys so much and i love Sam. There will always be a special place in my heart for my first nephew.

  3. Hi Megan,

    You are such a great writer. I enjoy reading your thoughts….as I have a lot of the same thoughts. I really like this line…. “I’m glad you’re healed, Baby Boy. I want you to be in heaven, but I miss you”. It’s so hard to be so selfless. The song, “I can only imagine” comes to mind. Because that’s all we can really do at this point. Someday we will see our little boys in heaven. I can’t wait!!!
    Love, Carrie

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