My friend sent me this song. Thought I would share what I am listening to this morning:
Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
Pregnancy and birth (and even the yearning for these) have given me such a beautiful perspective of what it means to live life on earth with heaven in mind. And not just in mind, but in a way that permeates everything. Pregnancy is uncomfortable. It is humbling. It alters everything. Joints loosen. Hormones are wild. Organs are squooshed into odd nooks in my ribcage. None of my organs function the same as they did before pregnancy. On the days that I fight it, the days I resent the discomfort and try to act like I am just a regular unexpectant woman, I lose something. I miss the state of dependency and need that is pregnancy, and my joyful expectation turns into just wanting it to be over.
What peace and rest do I forfeit when I choose to live in control rather than dependency?
Birth… as much as I would like to think that I can prepare myself to take control of the process when it inevitably comes for this baby and I, I know now that it just happens when and how it happens. I found with Samuel, and I am sure I will find it to be true with my second son, that birth is best done in response to the hour God has ordained for each of His creatures.
This pregnancy, in all my distrust and spiritual wrestling, the Lord keeps bringing to mind Job 39, in which God is speaking of the deer and mountain goats, and asks Job, “Can you count the months they fulfill, or do you know the time they give birth?” It is such a comfort to me because I don’t know the answer. I don’t know about the deer. And I don’t know the answer for myself. Just as I had to make peace with the unique hour God ordained for Sam’s birth and death, I am leaning on Him to make straight the path before the child I now carry. I depend on something bigger than myself to bring forth my expectation.
I am choosing to live my day, peacefully abandoned to the pregnancy and labor that is life before wholeness…